why i started

I want to jump in the pool But keep my head above water And see as if I am Submerged

  Each drop of rain hitting my face is like a kiss from heaven   I take my steps slowly now Not to get to the finish line too  fast A finish line now faster approaching I take my steps slowly now To savor each one For I  pass this way  but once.

Mom used to make angel food cakes Light and white with tons  of chocolate chips Her recipe was  equal parts Betty Crooker and Dr. Spock I scavenged for chocolate chips My brother  mined the cake for nuggets of chocolate As did my sister. We are all different All of us destroyed the cake  like acne on a teenagers face We are all  alike Acorns from the same tree

  I  wear big thick thick glasses. I need them after years of  learning about how I should   see and what I should do.  With  each additional should my  glasses get thicker. I can no longer see myself for what I am or the world for what it is. Yet I have 20/20 vision. All I have to do is take off my glasses.

I go for walks  It's not about going anywhere. It's about being where I am  when I am  there. Its not about looking for beauty Its about experiencing the beauty where I look. And getting lost in it I go for walks 6 months later  I am learning to see the beauty in the ordinary and there by it becomes extraordinary. its about reframing or throwing out the frame.  its about letting go of comparisons and judgements and  shoulds. and shouldn'ts and seeing what is for what it is. what i am learning during my walks applies to peoples and myself.

 I n acknowledging and exploring my  vulnerability I   heal After a long dry summer we had our first real rain. I went to buy some  mum's, I bought 4. I told the cashier jokingly that I was lucky to have 4 mom's. She agreed. Then I had the thought I could not voice," I had one mom a wonderful woman taken from me too soon".. When you died I did not understand the loss or process my grief. Now 40 plus years later the legacy of the loss ambushes me .  It has stalked me all my life in relationships.  My grief is like  rocks   buried and forgotten  in my backpack. Now is the time to put them down. At the trail head, I found two rocks  and put them in my backpack. I carried them until I forgot about their extra weight. and waded  into a sea of pine trees. I made a nest  of pine needles surrounded by a ring of pine cones. For me  the  nest is more like a cri It is there where I will lay you down.   I held each rock to my chest and asked them to take my  grief and pain. Kissi

I take our pictures of today To share with you tomorrow My hardest loss is  from journeys not taken And  hope's sweetness  left un-tasted Mother/Goddess, In the bite of the raw winter wind There is shelter in your breast And nourishment in your milk for healing  To Thee I turn amen I see the seagull   Stalled in flight, While facing the north wind. And choose to believe That he again will play in the  breezes  of the summer sun!

Giving when wrapped in a   story,   no matter who sweet or kind it might appear to the recipient is not really giving. Giving when initiated by a should is an obligation,  whether its internally or externally mandated. And is not a gift. I see Giving is an act of kindness There is no ownership in acts of kindness Nor can there be any A simple "you're welcome" is sufficient. And There is no  ownership in expressions of love Giving is an act of love I recognize and accept my abundance by sharing. I do so with gratitude. And it becomes a sacred act of thanks to the Source of everything

  This story is dedicated to you, Evelyn. I hope by sharing with  you this story  that you will better understand why your mother gave you your  name? After the land had separated from the waters,  God wanted something on the earth that will remind his children of him. So he created flowers and threw the seeds into the wind and the wind carried the seeds throughout the earth.  Now throughout the earth, there would be flowers, in whose beauty the children of God would be reminded of the Father. And the Lord gave to the flowers  perfume so that the children of the world would be reminded of Gods love , even when they could not see Him. It came to pass that Adam and Eve had to leave the garden of Eden. Their heads were bowed with shame and guilt and their hearts were heavy with remorse, The Lord spoke to them, "In all your wanderings you will see flowers. In their beauty you will be reminded of my perfection. And in their smell you  can remember my love for you."  Their heads re