Naked at mom's funeral

 In acknowledging and exploring my  vulnerability I   heal

After a long dry summer we had our first real rain. I went to buy some  mum's, I bought 4. I told the cashier jokingly that I was lucky to have 4 mom's. She agreed. Then I had the thought I could not voice," I had one mom a wonderful woman taken from me too soon"..

When you died I did not understand the loss or process my grief. Now 40 plus years later the legacy of the loss ambushes me .  It has stalked me all my life in relationships. 

My grief is like  rocks   buried and forgotten  in my backpack. Now is the time to put them down.

At the trail head, I found two rocks  and put them in my backpack. I carried them until I forgot about their extra weight. and waded  into a sea of pine trees. I made a nest  of pine needles surrounded by a ring of pine cones. For me  the  nest is more like a cri It is there where I will lay you down.   I held each rock to my chest and asked them to take my  grief and pain. Kissing them I put  them down  to rest in the crib of pine needles. 

The morning sun light  breaks thought a gap in the trees and opens my tearing years. "Thank you mom  for being you and your lessons and your love".  Then I say "I love you: Words I  never spoken to her before...

I continue my mourning walk.     Maybe  I was like rocks in my mom's backpack that   often she needed to put down. Not that she did not love me but she needed "me  time".  I understand this only as a parent now.

 

The wind  has picked up clearing the air of yesterday's rain . The first of fall leaves being pulled from the trees before they are ready. When I got home  I planted the mums. Getting dirt under my finger nails is grounding a healing. Thank you Mums.

 

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